May 02 2009
Home Handyman Confirms Existence of Gravity
Andrew Bernardin, a home handyman and amateur physicist, confirmed the existence of gravity in a startling and painful development on Saturday.
While his wife–backyard gardener and amateur nurse–tended to his injury, handyman Bernardin said, “I’ve always wondered why the shower drain is on the floor. Now I know . . . gravity.”
Bernardin described to his wife how the mysterious, invisible force will bend the spray of hot water and cause it to fall toward the earth. The tiled shower floor gets in the way, making the water pool. The relentless force of gravity then pulls the water down the drain. “If it weren’t for gravity,” Bernardin summed up his revelation, “I don’t know where they’d put the drains.”
Years ago, at the University of Vermont, Mr. Bernardin’s interest in gravity first awakened. As a second year college student, Bernardin was conducting research on the influence of beer upon one’s feelings about failing a Calculus III exam.
A few “units” into his experiment, Bernardin found himself in Burlington’s scenic Battery Park. He sat on a bench, first extending his hand to make sure the bench didn’t go anywhere as he descended. He watched the circus of citizens enjoy the sunny day. Many of the children were playing with balls of all shapes and colors.
Without needing an apple to strike him on the coconut, Bernardin realized that all the balls, no matter how vigorously thrown into the air, came back down. Each and every ball returned to the earth. Without exception. Bernardin found this both strange and exhilarating.
This past weekend, inadvertently he admits, Bernardin’s attention once again turned to gravity. He was working in his yard on a project that involved the use of a thirty-pound crowbar. Because he had misplaced his OSHA manual, Mr. Bernardin neglected to don a hard-hat or steel-toed boots. In fact, he was wearing a paint-stained t-shirt, an old bathing suit, and flip-flops.
Mrs. Bernardin, well aware of Mr. Bernardin’s history, went on record as saying that her husband ought to be required to dress like a hockey goalie before attempting any project.
“It all happened so fast,” Bernardin recounted. He had propped the six-foot-long crowbar against a fence before bending down to wrestle with a stubborn root in the trench he was digging. That is when the force of gravity took hold of the iron crowbar, slid it across the fence, and brought it down, with increasing speed, upon the unsuspecting home handyman and amateur physicist.
Fortunately, it was a glancing blow. If Mr. Bernardin remembers correctly.
Bernardin is now considering applying to the National Academy of Science for a grant to further his research into “this pesky, persistent force.” Bernardin said, “I figure I could conduct my studies for a quarter mill. Which is peanuts.”
Bernardin elaborated: “I’d need, oh, a mere $50,000 for the pool and diving board–my laboratory; 50 grand for operational expenses; and another 150 smackers for miscellaneous administrative costs. And I wouldn’t even draw a paycheck. I’d perform my experiments solely out of a love of science.”
After a moment of reflection, Mr. Bernardin commented that he may need additional funds for a new set of swim trunks.
