Perhaps a half-dozen times in my life I have pondered the question, “If, after I die, I could come back as any type of animal, what would I be?”

My answers have included “eagle” and “dolphin.” Funny, I never considered “centipede.” During my speed-obsessed boyhood years I may have responded “cheetah.”

It has recently dawned on me that underlying the question is a sort of global recycling notion. You spend your days in one shape and then, presto, are re-formed into another. Is Hinduism thus “the greener religion?”

There is some truth to the reincarnation-as-global-recycling idea. All large mammals such as ourselves, however, go through the crucial step of becoming microbes and worms in our first turnaround before we eventually wind up as grass then rabbits then coyotes.

Today, as I think about what I’d like to come back as, I know I wouldn’t want to be an eagle. Though flying would be a thrill, I wonder if birds find it thrilling or merely a way of getting from here to there.

Flying aside, I’m afraid I would miss having hands. What if I got the urge to read a book? Just opening it would be a difficult task with a forearm that terminates in feathers.

Furthermore, the thought of cold carrion for breakfast or fish guts for lunch doesn’t do much for my present set of taste-buds.

Then there’s the problem of celebrity. The eagle is virtual royalty in the animal kingdom. I’d hate being pursued far and wide by the National Geographic paparazzi.

In my next life I also wouldn’t want to come back as a dolphin.

Due to the upward crease at the base of their bills, dolphins always seem to be smiling. But are they truly happy? Maybe they’re in denial. A few good therapy sessions and the whole lot of them would be fighting and carrying grudges, I bet.

If a dolphin were really clever, it would poke it’s face out of the water at Sea World and use its helium voice to beg the trainer to help it out of its monkey suit. I can hear Flipper now…”What I would do for a pair of legs! Walking around on the surface of the planet…that would be something.”

With dolphins there is also the issue of hands, or lack thereof. Armed only with fins, how could I operate the numerous small buttons on the back of my digital camera?

When asked the reincarnation question, many people have probably answered “lion.” King of the jungle. The thought of becoming a lion lights up no switchboard in me. I’ll say one word about the lion’s lifestyle: boring. You go for the kill, you gorge yourself on the still-warm flesh, and then you sleep.

Sounds like the life of a corporate raider. Lions, however, get better sleep, breathe fresher air, and have lower dry-cleaning bills.

I will say one positive thing about lions. They have paws, which is a distinct advantage over wings and fins. That is if you don’t need to fly or swim. Yet what do lions do if one of those tiny screws falls out of the hinge to their sunglasses? Fingers are remarkable things.

Lastly, I wouldn’t want to be a lizard, turtle, or snake. Reptiles are notoriously lousy tennis players.

Choosing which life-form I would want to be reincarnated as has become an easy question. As I have already disclosed, I like having hands. Whatever I come back as has to have opposable thumbs, sensitive fingertips and flexible digits.

Then there is the all-important consideration of health and hygiene. Let’s face it. Life in the wild is often glamorized. I find no glamour in the thought that my body could become host to a party of fleas or a mob of internal parasites. Or both. Anyone who has seen the difference in health between a feral dog or cat and a domestic one knows what I’m talking about.

And what if you break your leg in the wild? You aren’t likely to hear an ambulance rushing to save you. You’re more likely to hear the vultures and the jackals ring their dinner bells.

If I had a say in the matter I would want to come back as a human. Being a human provides you with many outstanding opportunities. And the health care is excellent.
I wouldn’t want to come back as any human, though. I’d want to come back as myself. At least at this point. There are still a lot of books I haven’t read, questions I haven’t answered.

Technorati Links: humor, reincarnation

xkcd is my current favorite comic. The writing is great, and the stick figures, somewhat surprisingly, are a definite plus. And the topics: fantastically suited to those at the area of the intellectual bell curve not customarily catered to. Science, philosophy, meta-cognition of human social and emotional quirks . . . .

Later today I’m going to be clicking over to the most recent version of the blog carnival, Scientia Pro Publica. Number 21, Darwin’s 201st Birthday Edition, has been posted. Will this carnival become my current favorite? It could. I love the idea behind it. And it certainly has potential. What I hope to find is an abundance of is smart writing on truly educational topics.

No, no NASCAR, no celebrity gossip.

Was that elitist of me? Frankly, I don’t give a damn. Our culture puts such things as athletic ability on a pedestal, but intellectual ability, well, don’t flaunt that. It’s in poor taste.

This is getting close to a rant, so I better put the brakes on . . .

Technorati Links: blog carnival, cognitive elites

Second, a news-parody from the “local” section of the Onion -

Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

LOUISVILLE, KY—At first glance, high school senior Lucas Faber, 18, seems like any ordinary gay teen. He’s a member of his school’s swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age. But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague this young gay man. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be a fundamentalist, right-wing Christian.

That’s a hilarious twist on things.

Technorati Links: humor

Technorati Links: humor, science

(Recycled material: I’m in holiday/travel mode. This material first posted on Dec. 29, 2008)

A Joke Atop a Joke

I think we can all agree that this headline is a joke, if not a double joke:

Head And Neck Injury Risks In Heavy Metal: Head Bangers Stuck Between Rock And A Hard Bass

I don’t get it: stuck between a rock and a fish? Was it a largemouth or a smallmouth bass?

Sometimes going obtuse is the best response to a bad pun. And thus the double joke. The title wording contains a joke of sorts, and the joke is so bad it is a joke.

But is the entire article itself a joke? And if so, in what sense of the word? You decide.

Here’s a paragraph describing the science:

The average head banging song has a tempo of about 146 beats per minute. The authors suggest that at this tempo head banging may cause headaches and dizziness if the range of movement of the head and neck is more than 75º. They report that at higher tempos and greater ranges of motion there is an additional risk of neck injury.

This research “news release” appeared on the ScienceDaily website, along with countless other sites.

Check out the final paragraph:

Luckily, there are a number of possible ways to protect against these injuries, write the authors. These include calling for bands such as AC/DC to play songs such as “Moon River” instead of “Highway to Hell”, public awareness campaigns headed by musicians such as Cliff Richard and the labeling of music packaging with anti-head banging warnings.

In what sense(s) of the word was this article a joke?

Can something be beautiful and humorous at the same time? Excuse the armchair conjecture here, but it seems to me that humor involves, in part, viewing something non-seriously, while the perception of beauty relies upon a seriousness, albeit one with positive emotional hues.

Put another way, can you perceive something as beautiful while giggling?

Hmm. Maybe if two distinct parts of your brain are simultaneously active.

The above photo is of white crepe myrtle blossoms. Below, a news headline from the Onion.

Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World

Members of the earth’s earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.

According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.

Funny.

Beautifully humorous?

Technorati Links: beauty, humor, perception, photography

1. By exposing our essential animal nature. Human beings are basically upright alimentary canals, empowered by muscles, guided by brains.

2. By bringing to our eyes and minds the grandeur of a vast universe. A universe that favors us not a whit. (At least not according to the deep-space images provided by the Hubble Telescope and other sources. As far as I am aware, no image of Jesus or “Mother Mary” has appeared in one of them yet.)

Oh sure, in our own relatively small circles we are big deals. But on a greater scale?

In the past 24 hours I encountered two pieces of humor that illustrate the varieties of human hubris.

First, this headline from The Onion: Sports Illustrated Sportsman Of The Year Award Important, Sports Illustrated Reports.

Second, this cartoon from AtheistCartoons.com:

Technorati Links: belief, science

[from http://www.jesusandmo.net/]

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Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count

ROCKFORD, IL—Local grandmother Eileen Stafford, 78, expressed concern Monday over the number of dinner rolls she should have on hand for this year’s Thanksgiving meal, appearing distressed when discussing the implications of there being either too many or possibly too few.

Ha! Earlier today I actually had a discussion with my wife about the optimal cranberry sauce. I kid you not.

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The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular tunnel, would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds before smashing them together. Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those high speeds.

Damn. Without the SMC how are we to determine what fundamental elements of monkeys exist within us?

Technorati Links: humor, psychology