Feb 01 2010
Gender-Typical Responses to Marital Infidelity: Nature or Nurture?
Men and women respond differently to marital infidelity. On average. Is this a learned response, something men and women acquire from their culture or from their own individual experience? The current default view argues it’s likely an innate difference (read genetic). A new study argues there is another option. [study source]
The nature perspective:
Research has documented that most men become much more jealous about sexual infidelity than they do about emotional infidelity. Women are the opposite, and this is true all over the world. The prevailing theory is that the difference has evolutionary origins: Men learned over eons to be hyper-vigilant about sex because they can never be absolutely certain they are the father of a child, while women are much more concerned about having a partner who is committed to raising a family.
But wait. Could nurture explain the differences? Have we missed something?
A nurture perspective:
But the new science suggests that the difference may be rooted more in individual differences in personality that result from one’s relationship history but that can fall along gender lines.
One’s “relationship history” influencing his/her response to cheating? How did they determine this?
The science:
Similar to earlier studies examining sex differences in jealousy, Levy and Kelly asked men and women which they would find more distressing—sexual infidelity or emotional infidelity. Participants also completed additional assessments including a standard and well validated measure of attachment style in romantic relationships.
“Attachment style?” What happened to “differences in personality that result from one’s relationship history”?
The finding:
those with a dismissing attachment style—who prize their autonomy in relationships over commitment—were much more upset about sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity. And conversely, those securely attached in relationships—including securely attached men—were much more likely to find emotional betrayal more upsetting.
The problem:
Okay. If attachment style, something that supposedly reflects an individual’s personality, is related to relationship history, how do we know that some other factor isn’t responsible for that attachment style and/or personality and/or relationship history? How do we know that the experiential element is a causal factor vs. an effect?
If you are getting the sense that with this new study there’s a whole lot of talk relative to the little science it is based upon, get a load of this:
The bologna:
Some people—men and women alike—are more secure in their attachments to others, while others tend to be more dismissive of the need for close attachment relationships. Psychologists see this compulsive self-reliance as a defensive strategy—protection against deep-seated feelings of vulnerability. Levy and Kelly hypothesized that these individuals would tend to be concerned with the sexual aspects of relationships rather than emotional intimacy.
Oh lard. The above reads as nearly perfect psychodynamic boilerplate. “Defensive strategy” . . . “deep-seated feelings of vulnerability.” That’s what it always boils down to: damaged feelings. It seems that if we search hard enough, that’s what we always find.
In my opinion, innate gender differences still better explain differences in response to infidelity. Why? First, as mentioned in the study, these gender differences are cross-culturally evident. Second, numerous studies on animals have shown that if you change, oh, say the testestosterone or oxytocin levels to an individual very early in life, you change the individual’s “relationship trajectory” and later history. To then describe the phenomenon in terms of emotional experiences is to miss the more important point. It is to grant the emotional experience undeserved primacy.
As a tangent here, one of the things I find disturbing about psychodynamic therapy is the stealth morality often contained within. Often you will here this sentiment expressed in so many words: Because of your personal history, because you were “damaged,” you are not able to function according todays’ social ideals. And so you have anger-management issues, or “unfounded fears” or damaged self-esteem, or sexual insecurity, or what have you.
In sum, to find psychodynamic reasons for the way human beings behave frequently involves a denial of human nature. Or even a denial of individual nature.






