Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

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It always feels a little cheesy to say this, but I genuinely feel like I know so many of you personally. Like, in real life! So much so that it would feel totally normal to meet up for a coffee and talk about life and whatever else came up. But since I actually don’t know most of you in real life, it makes me nervous to share some mini skeletons in my closet that I know I WANT to share but make me nervous! Keeping them in the dark won’t make them any less real though, so here goes… 1. I paused my own practice. I talked all about how I was gonna do PB Resolution with everyone starting January 1st, and in case you haven’t noticed, I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was forced to stop working out. Between breastfeeding a giant baby, stopping my takeout habit, AND doing PBR (even modified), I was losing weight way too quickly. I weigh less now than before I did before I got pregnant and believe me, that is NOT my goal. Adrien started to get a little worried because my arms and legs were looking so thin, so I decided to stop working out for the time being and focus on increasing my calories to try and gain some weight back. I was afraid to talk about this for two reasons: (1) I didn’t feel like dealing with the eye rolls from people who will think I should be happy I’m losing so much weight. (2) I feel like I’m letting everyone down! I wanted SO BADLY to be right there with you in your PBR reboots for 2020, and I just can’t be there in the way I wanted to be right now. 2. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in motherhood. I love Theo so much more than I thought was possible because for real, I’m not a baby person. I don’t ooh and ahh over babies because I just seriously don’t care about them! Babies are babies. Whatever. I knew I’d love my own, but I didn’t know HOW MUCH. Even so, it’s so all encompassing sometimes I feel like I’m being choked out of my own life. My old life. Wait, no, not my old life– my original life. I miss it yet I don’t want to miss a single moment of time with Theo as he explores an discovers the world. I think I make it sound like I really have my shit together on social media with running a business and mom-ing, but I assure you I definitely do not. Since having Theo, I feel like I do about 10% of what I used to do in a day… and I know that’s fine and this is just a chapter and blah blah blah, but it’s still hard to not feel like time is passing you by in this stage. And at the same time I also enjoy taking care of him all day, you know? I guess this is the ever-present internal tug-of-war when one is a mother and a Something Else (whatever that is). 3. I’m SO nervous about our trip back to the US! Every year I am SO excited about our trip back to the States, but this year? My level of excitement is basically zero. I’m excited to teach, but I’m not excited about the rest… all I can think about is how afraid I am to travel on a transatlantic flight with a baby, land in a time zone six hours behind his typical one, and try to work and travel and exist with a 9-month-old in a temporary new place. It stresses me so much, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety just thinking about it! And I’ve read all that I can read and we’ll prepare as much as possible, but all that stress about it lingers anyway… 4. There are good and bad days (still). The perspective that life and progress don’t happen in a straight line has never felt so real. The majority of the time, I feel like the fog of PPD has lifted. I generally wake up feeling good about my days, I have an appetite, I want to live my life and so on. But once in a while, Theo has a bad day, we get a dash of crappy weather, life adds a pinch of sleep deprivation, and bam! It’s the perfect cocktail of chaos to pull me right back down into that sinkhole I got so familiar with at the beginning of this journey. It doesn’t last, but I have some days where life feels harder than others and I wonder if those will ever disappear completely. 5. Wine is giving me a headache. Okay, this isn’t something that makes me “fearful,” but I have to laugh a little because, YOU GUYS! If I have more than half a glass of red wine, I swear I get heart palpitations and a headache. What kind of Bad Yogi develops an allergy to wine?! This is so off brand for me LOL! Sometimes just shining light on what we’re afraid of makes it seem less scary. Putting our fears into words and sharing them with another human being takes away the shadows and shows us they’re all manageable. Over to you: have you ever experienced any of this? I’m open to hearing any and ALL positive experiences about any of the above, haha!

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Things I’m Afraid to Tell You was first posted on January 28, 2020 at 6:36 am.
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